Do you remember the first major disappointment of your childhood? The first time you realized that the world was not exactly the hopeful, magical place that you had once believed it to be? Did it happen when you found out that Santa Claus wasn't real? Did it happen when your first family pet died? I know when it happened for me. There is a silent core of sadness at the very heart of me that still resonates with loss every time I hear one word: Hoverboard.
The hoverboard, in case you are a soulless automaton who never experienced childhood, was a special effect from Back to the Future II that immediately replaced the flying car as the flagship dream of hyper-advanced technology. The hoverboard was the perfect storm of nerd-child fantasies. It had all the appeal of futuristic tech, the dream of pure flight and the raw aesthetic lust of all the best toys.
And, if left alone, that's all it would ever have been: a fantasy.
Even children, upon coming out of Back to the Future II and immediately miming sweet hoverboard jumps while inexplicably making lightsaber noises for sound effects, knew that it was just a special effect, not real.
Oh, but the next day at school? The next day at school, there was that one kid. That one insecure little dickhead who had to make friends by lying. That sniveling little weasel who had a black belt in karate, who once met Chuck Norris and who had this super-hot girlfriend across town (but she goes to a different school; you wouldn't know her). The next day, there was that horrid little bastard who first uttered the words
"they're real, you know. Hoverboards are real."
And instantly all his previous lies were forgotten.
"What do you mean they're real?"
"They exist. For real."
"What? Fuck you. How would you know?"
"My uncle works at Mattel. If you watch carefully in the movie you can even see the logo. They're who makes it."
"No way. You're such a liar. Why hasn't anybody else seen one?"
"It's parents. They all say they're too dangerous, because you can go too fast and hurt yourself."
...aaaaand that's where he had you.
Son of a bitch! Of course! It's the parents! That is exactly the kind of bullshit parents would do, isn't it? I mean, it's not like he's saying he rode one, or hell, that he's even seen one, because Mattel can't release them. Nobody gets hoverboards! Fucking parents!
And so for, let's face it, way longer than you should have, you too probably secretly believed that hoverboards were sitting in a warehouse somewhere like at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Forever locked away in a nondescript wooden crate marked "Too Dangerous (For Kids)." A large wooden crate, abandoned and forgotten... that hovered tantalizingly just inches off the ground..............
The guy that first started it all? The insecure little prick who had to lie for attention? I found him.
It's Robert Zemeckis.
That's right. The director of Back to the Future II.
And no, this is not backhanded blame for some crap like "he popularized too cool a concept." He actually did it. Every word of that now infamous lie first came from his lips. Apparently tired of being asked how the special effects were done, Michael J. Fox said that Zemeckis started answering those questions with "what do you mean, how did we do it? It's a real hover-board. It flies. Michael [J. Fox] just practiced a lot."
But you don't have to trust Michael J. Fox (you monster) because it's all on tape. During the Making of Back to the Future II Television Special, Robert Zemeckis went on camera and said "Hoverboards have been around for years, but parents' groups worry that kids will get hurt, so they've pressured the toy companies not to put them on the market."
On that same special, he even paid a special effects crew to have "test footage" made of the actors practicing on "real hoverboards" off set.
i am not kidding ....here it is
(re-cut and set to some gay music as most 20 year old net videos are now, but it's the real footage from the tv special)
Hoverboards Being Used ! Rarely Seen Footage ! - Watch more funny videos here
this is so blatantly fake now that it's almost funny, but in the 80's "photoshoped" was a term that dident exist
So there it is, now you know: Robert Zemeckis is the one responsible. He is the one that stole the hope right out of the screaming bodies of millions of children, because he is a twisted sociopath who feeds on the destruction of joy.